"Compliment the Thing, not the Person"

Paying compliments is an important way to build rapport with others, whether they are colleagues, customers, or casual contacts.

But there is a right way to do it; and a wrong way.

The wrong way is to pay a compliment as an excuse to suck up, smarm, and seduce. People usually see through such compliments and dismiss the compliment as meaningless and you as a fake.

The right way is, first, to mean it; secondly, to deliver it in a way that doesn't embarrass the other person; and, thirdly, to explain the effect it has on you and others.

One of the ways you can do this is to focus on a thing you admire about the other person, rather than on the person themselves. For example, "Jude, you're the best secretary in the world", might well be received with a disbelieving "yeah, yeah" and a roll of the eyes to heaven.

But, tell her, "Jude, Bill in Accounts told me that that report of yours really made him sit up and think", and you will be praising the report and, by association, your secretary too.

In "Business as a Game", Albert Carr relates the story of a speech given by a chief executive. The man was not an accomplished speaker and knew it. Nevertheless, shortly after he had sat down, he was approached by one of his department managers. "Mr Rossen, that was a terrific speech. A great performance. Churchill couldn't have done better!"

The chief replied amiably: "Thank you, Larry. Glad you liked it."

A few days later, another manager came up to the chief during lunch and said: "Mr Rossen, I've been thinking about what you said the other night. It's got me thinking about some changes we could make in our department. Would you mind if I sent you my thoughts?"

"Not at all, Bill," said the chief. "I'm glad the speech got you thinking."

It's not difficult to work out which compliment mattered most.

All of us love compliments. Few of us love flattery.

If you can deliver a compliment in a way that is honest, sincere, and focuses on the effect people have on others, then you will make people feel good, open them up and light up their day.